Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
