I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
