I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
