What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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