I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
