Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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