Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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