I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
