For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
