I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
