Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
