It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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