my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
love makes seman taste better
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
