I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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