i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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