you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
