Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
