New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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