Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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