Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
