he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Everyone says I win the strip club
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
