god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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