If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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