bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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