I'm lost and stupid without you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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