Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
