my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We need to rekindle our bromance
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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