I showed him my bush... on skype.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
