I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
