so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't deserve a penis
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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