I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
