Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
