Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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