There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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