He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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