Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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