my sisters under your porch take her home
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize