if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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