Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
