i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
