I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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