I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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