Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
