Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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