Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize