people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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