Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
