I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
