there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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