I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
