I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
