Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
