i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
