why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
His hands were made for my vagina.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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