I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
