She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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