I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
